VIDEO: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships / Part 1 of 2
VIDEO: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships / Part 2 of 2
What does the Bible say about sowing discord?
The Bible strongly condemns sowing discord—defined as deliberately creating strife, gossip, or division among family, friends, or the church community.
Key Biblical Teachings
- Proverbs 6:16-19: Sowing discord is listed as the final and crowning item among the Seven Things the Lord Hates, described as an abomination.
- Proverbs 6:12-15: A sower of discord is characterized as a wicked or worthless person who uses crooked speech, winks, signals, and deceptive gestures to stir up trouble, warning that sudden calamity will strike them.
- Proverbs 16:28 & Proverbs 26:20: A dishonest person or a "whisperer" spreads strife and separates close friends, and the fire of conflict dies down when the gossip stops
- Romans 16:17-18 & Titus 3:9-11: Believers are instructed to watch out for, warn (once or twice), and ultimately reject or avoid divisive persons who cause dissension contrary to sound teaching.
- Matthew 5:9 & Ephesians 4:1-3: Followers of Christ are called to be peacemakers who preserve unity, humility, and love rather than tear relationships apart.
Holy Hatred: One Who Sows Discord Among Brothers
What does a person who sows discord in a family mean?
A person who sows discord in a family is someone who deliberately creates division, arguments, distrust, and hostility among family members.
The phrase comes from biblical wisdom literature, specifically Proverbs 6:19, which lists "one who sows discord among brothers" (or "in a family" in translations like the New Living Translation) as one of the core things that is detestable.
Key Behaviors of Someone Who Sows Discord
· Gossip and Whispering: Passing along half-truths, secrets, or negative remarks behind people's backs to turn one relative against another.
· Stirring Up Strife: Exaggerating minor disagreements or fabricating conflicts to keep family members tense and divided.
· Taking Sides or Manipulating:
Aligning with specific members to isolate others, often driven by pride, selfishness, or a need for control.
· Lying or Deception: Spreading false stories or skewed versions of events to destroy trust.
Common Root Causes
According to traditional and biblical analyses, this behavior usually stems from internal character issues rather than the family's actual problems:
· Pride or ego, wanting personal control or superiority.
· Bitterness or jealousy toward a unified or happy home.
· A habit of malicious communication, where drama is favored over peace
How to biblically deal with toxic family members?
Dealing with toxic family members biblically involves separating forgiveness from reconciliation, setting firm boundaries, and following the example of Jesus, who spoke truth while knowing when to walk away from malicious or unrepentant behavior.
1. Understand the Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation
· Forgiveness is a personal command: You are called to release the debt and bitterness in your own heart so resentment does not poison your spirit (Ephesians 4:32). Forgiveness is an internal posture, not an agreement to let someone continue hurting you.
· Reconciliation requires two people: Reconciliation takes mutual repentance, humility, and a change in behavior (Matthew 18:15–17). If a family member remains unrepentant and destructive, you can forgive them completely in your heart while still maintaining distance.
2. Set Biblical Boundaries
· Honor does not mean submission to abuse: The command to "honor your father and mother" (Exodus 20:12) is real, but honor does not require you to enable sin, accept verbal or physical abuse, or sacrifice your household's safety.
· Let your "yes be yes and your no be no": Toxic people often rely on manipulation and guilt. Communicate clear limits without endlessly justifying or negotiating your peace with them (Matthew 5:37). · Love from a distance: Romans 12:18 advises, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Peace is not always achieved through constant contact; sometimes loving someone means stepping back.
3. Follow the Example of Jesus
· Jesus walked away from malice: Jesus showed immense compassion to the broken and needy, yet He regularly withdrew from hostile, manipulative, or dangerous crowds and religious leaders when their intent was malicious (Luke 4:29–30, John 8:59).
· Protect what is entrusted to you: Wisdom dictates that you guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23) and shield your children or household from destructive environments, as discussed in resources like Focus on the Family.
(Focus on the Family: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships (Part 1 of 2))
4. Pray and Control Your Own Actions
· Focus on your response: You cannot control a toxic relative's choices or compel them to see their faults, but you can control your own reactions, obedience, and emotional detachment.
· Pray for them: Jesus commanded His followers to pray for those who mistreat them (Matthew 5:44). Prayer softens your own heart toward bitterness and places the person in God's hands.
Holy Hatred: One Who Sows Discord Among Brothers by Stuart Chase
In our ongoing consideration of the seven things that God hates, we have considered “haughty eyes,” “a lying tongue,” “hands that shed innocent blood,” “a heart that devises wicked plans,” “feet that make haste to run to evil” and “a false witness who breathes out lies.” The seventh thing that God hates is “one who sows discord among brothers.”
In his commentary on Proverbs, Raymond Ortlund observes that the numerical ladder in biblical poetry (i.e. “six things … seven things”) is a literary device designed to highlight in particular the last of the things listed. The six things in some ways build up to the seventh thing. In this instance, Solomon’s entire list has really been building to this point—the thing that God, in a sense, hates most of all: “one who sows discord among brothers.”
This argument seems compelling, because the verses immediately preceding this list actually highlight the seventh sin: “A worthless person, a wicked man, goes about with crooked speech, winks with his eyes, signals with his feet, points with his finger, with perverted heart devises evil, continually sowing discord; therefore calamity will come upon him suddenly; in a moment he will be broken beyond healing” (Proverbs 6:12–15). He seems, then, to be speaking of one who sows discord, and in the midst of that discussion launches into a segment on seven detestable things, culminating in the sower of discord. Since it is “good and pleasant” when “brothers dwell in unity” (Psalm 133:1), there is something particularly heinous about the one who sows discord among brothers.
I once watched an episode of a television show in which a team of friends was going up against a particular enemy. The big bad had a sidekick, whose previous experience with the small band of heroes gave him a unique opportunity for infiltration. The sidekick advised his boss that, together, the band of heroes had a nasty way of stopping evil plans. Together, master and sidekick concocted a plan by which the sidekick could worm his way into the little group of friends and turn them against each other. The theory was simple: United, they were unstoppable; divided, they could be picked off one member at a time. Predictably, while there was an initial degree of success, the heroes eventually figured out what was happening and united once again to defeat the enemy.
Unchecked discord can be destructive. God, therefore, hates those who deliberately sow discord among brothers.
Note carefully that Solomon speaks of one who “sows” discord. To sow means to plant seed. The sower does not sow haphazardly or accidentally, but carefully plans where and how he will sow in order to reap the maximum reward. He also carefully plans what he will sow in order to reap precisely what he wishes to reap. Similarly, the one who sows discord carefully chooses his circumstances and his victim. And his intention is deliberate: to produce discord. Perhaps he identifies whom he perceives to be the weakest link in a group and targets that person to introduce discord.
What kind of seeds produce a harvest of discord among brothers? There are many, but it may be helpful to highlight just a few.
First, the seed of pride. Pride insists that I am better, and therefore deserve better, than others. My opinion deserves to be heard, and if it is not heard, I will make my discontent known. This attitude is divisive. Considering others better than yourself fosters unity; considering yourself better than others fosters division.
Second, selfishness is a related, and equally divisive, seed. When we demand that our way of doing things be honored, unity is destroyed. Particularly within the context of a church, we must realize that things are ultimately done for the benefit of the body, not the individual. The body is always more important than the individual. Sulking when things are not done your way only produces division. Rather than insisting that your desires must be honored, be willing to do things in a way that will guard the unity of the whole.
Third, gossip is a significant destroyer of harmony. Solomon speaks of a “dishonest man” spreading strife and a “whisperer” separating close friends (16:28). The “whisperer” goes about muttering unhelpful and destructive things to those whom he thinks will hear him. He will not honestly speak what is in his heart before all, but only to those whose ears he thinks he has. He will seek out those whom he thinks are likely to hear him without rebuking him, and will bare his divisive heart to them. And he will likely attract to himself those who are likewise whisperers seeking to separate close friends.
Elsewhere, Solomon speaks of the one “who repeats a matter” (rather than covering an offence) separating close friends (17:9). Are you eager to tell the faults of someone to another, or do you strive to cover those faults? This does not speak of trying to cover your own sins, but of lovingly covering the sins of others. Do you feel compelled to share the failures of others with anyone who will hear you, or are you willing to love them enough to cover their faults? Are you eager to guard the integrity of others, or do you want to see their every fault laid bare for the world to see?
As Ortlund notes, the numerical ladder that Solomon employs here suggests that it is this sin, above all others mentioned, that God hates the most. But that may seem strange. Is sowing discord among brothers really worse than, for instance, hands that shed innocent blood? We have become so accustomed to pride and selfishness and gossip and slander that we really do not consider them to be all that bad. We live in such an individualistic society, that we hardly bat an eyelid when friction is evidenced between brothers. Why, then, does God so hate this sin?
God hates discord because it violates the unity for which Jesus prayed in John 17. It damages the oneness of the body of Christ for which Paul prayed in Ephesians 4:1–16. The badge of Christian discipleship, according to John 13:34–35, is Christian love, but discord destroys that badge.
God hates discord and, according to our text, he hates those who sow discord. If we do not want to be counted among those whom God hates, we must do all we can to avoid sowing discord, remembering that every idle word we speak will come under judgement (Matthew 12:34). Rather than sowing discord, we must strive to promote unity.
The Bible offers clear counsel on how to avoid becoming one who sows discord.
First, we are warned to avoid those who are divisive. Paul tells us to “watch out for those who cause divisions” and to “avoid them” (Romans 16:17). He told Titus to “reject” those who were divisive (Titus 3:10)
Second, we are warned to avoid things that tend to division. Paul told Timothy to “avoid … irreverent babble” (1 Timothy 6:20). If a subject or activity is likely to produce division rather than harmony, we would do well to avoid it.
Third, and ultimately, the best way to promote unity is to adopt the mind of Christ. When we do so, we develop an attitude of humility and service toward others (Philippians 2:1–11). With Christ as our focus, we will look to the interests of others rather than our own interests, and we will therefore be protectors, rather than destroyers, of unity.
https://brackenhurstbaptist.co.za/holy-hatred-one-who-sows-discord-among-brothers/